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DoomsDay Prep Tip: High Heels May Cause You to Lose Your Head…and Other Things.

 

Most of my female friends wear high heels and look stellar in them. They also can walk in them for several blocks, and every time I see that, it’s like witnessing a miracle since I would fly off a curb and break something. Their legs look elongated, more toned and more attractive in high heels. Of course, if a lot of walking around is required and if enough time passes, any girl in heels will start to resemble a drunk penguin. And eventually a drunk whiny penguin that doesn’t want to walk anymore. And then, if she can’t find a Payless to buy cheap flats, Uber will be summoned to the rescue. Or her friends in flats will kill her.   (The price of vanity.)

I have three pairs of heels. One pair doesn’t really count as heels, because the heels are more like bricks.  Instead of training wheels, they are training heels. Anyhow, I got them so I could wear them on The Dr. Oz Show, look somewhat feminine and not face-plant on national television. They did their job. I’ve never worn one of the two remaining pairs of heels, because I’m not yet suicidal. The other pair I wore once to an after party  held in a basement-level night club.  I remember being at the top of the stairs as I made my grand entrance…, and then waking up at the bottom.  That sums up my adventure in heels.

From an aesthetic standpoint, heels kill almost any other kind of shoe. They flatter the human body better than almost any other kind of shoe, especially if you are a little on the pudgy side and want that “stretched-out” illusion heels provide.  From an emergency standpoint, however, heels are straight-up terrible. When tragedy or terror strikes,  you want to be able to move and move fast. Heels do not allow anyone to move at his or her optimal speed, and a lot of people have gotten stuck in terrible situations because of the beautiful traps on their feet.

Living in the times we do, it is best to be mindful of our shoes: Are your shoes comfortable? Will your shoes allow you to exit a dangerous situation fast enough? Will your shoes allow you to walk/jog long distances if you have to?  Will your shoes slow you down or will you wind up breaking an ankle or a neck? Will your shoes get you killed? Seriously. Shoes really, really matter when danger hits and you have to most fast.  Keep that in mind, especially in the era of crazier and crazier heels that make it look like some women stepped through Salvador Dali’s paintings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unless you lay on your back and successfully jab all the jihadists in their throats, you might have some difficulty getting away.

My one male friend once commented, “Women in heels purposely handicap themselves.”  He’s right, they do, and they do it to look good. They definitely look better than a lot of us girls running around in flats, but 90% of the time, with a respectful nod to all the outliers, the girl in flats will outrun the girl in heels during the Zombie Apocalypse.

A lot of girls will wear heels and carry around a reserve pair of flat “rescue” shoes in their purses. That’s good and I highly recommend doing so. Still, in certain emergency situations, you might have only seconds to react and you’re better off already being in shoes you can sprint in.  That is unless you have mastered the art of kicking off your heels while you run and going the distance barefoot. ( I don’t know if they teach this skill in Ninja school, but it might be worth learning….) 

From a medical standpoint, high heels wreak havoc on the body overtime.  Research has shown a much higher rate of osteoarthritis ( bone troubles) in women who frequently wear heels compared to women who do not. That translates into less mobility, more stiffness and more pain with movement as one ages.  High Heel wearers have higher rates of lower back pain, compromised muscle efficiency and higher rates of muscle fatigue as they age.  They also have a higher chance of getting a medical condition called “Lumbar Lordosis” or “swayback” in which the bottom half of the spine curves in and makes it look like one’s booty is bigger than reality. ( There’s nothing wrong with big booties, but lumbar lordosis takes its toll on your spine…)

That’s my scoop on heels. Heels are pretty and makes your legs look great. No question about that. Just make sure your heels also don’t get you killed.

 

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